the fear of falling

so i'm spending a rainy friday afternoon in bed, when i should be in my laboratory. i'm fighting off (or falling into, i don't know which yet) a nasty dizziness caused by vertigo because i just had to have a ham-and-cheese omelette.

good thing im not allergic to eggs, or i'd probably be dead now.

then again, the way i feel, dead probably wouldn't be so bad.

so i do the next best thing:

i close my eyes. imagine i'm in an open field somewhere, lying naked on the wet grass, all alone for miles and miles. letting the rain wash away all the traces of toxins in my body, the mascarra and dark circles around my eyes, the smell of sweat and cigarette smoke from my hair, the tattoo on my back and other people's marks on my skin.

and just before my own fingerprints dissolve into nothingness, into the oblivion which my body has for so long sought, my soul rises up like a white flag from among the green, conspicuous in its surrender.