last goodbye

Boy, if only real-life change were as easy to observe and document as this: as easy to attempt as the change of blog a address, as easy to follow as a click on a link, as easy to believe as an updated profile.

Well, I still suffer from vertigo, and yes, this is still my way of coping. I'm just doing it in a different place now, and with different people. Although everything written here is true (or at the very least was true when it was writtten), I am not exactly the same person anymore. And this is no longer home.

But should you want to continue with me, I cannot help but invite: Come.

*****

I leave with two songs in my head:


Grace
Jeff Buckley

There’s the moon asking to stay
Long enough for the clouds to fly me away
Well it’s my time coming, I’m not afraid, afraid to die

My fading voice sings of love
But she cries to the clicking of time,
Wait in the fire...

And she weeps on my arm
Walking to the bright lights in sorrow
Oh drink a bit of wine we both might go tomorrow
Oh my love...

And the rain is falling and I believe my time has come
And it reminds me of the pain I might leave behind
Wait in the fire...

And I feel them drown my name
So easy to know and forget with this kiss
But I’m not afraid to go, baby it’s all because of you
But I’m not afraid to go, but it goes so slow, slow
Wait in the fire, wait in the fire
Wait in the fire...

...don’t you take it away from me



Anticipation
Carly Simon

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

And I tell you how easy it is to be with you
And how right your arms feel around me.
But I rehearsed those words just late last night
When I was thinking about how right tonight might be

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet and I don't know nature's way
But I'll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here
'Cause these are the good old days

*****

Enough said.

Why the hell not?

It's not supposed to be sad, is it?

*****

Oh boy. It has been a long time. I could've filled this blog with surveys and other posts of similar purpose (consume my time and yours) so that I can say I update frequently. But that's a fucking cop-out.

Hey, I've done it before. You know, hidden behind the occasional excuse, blah blah blah. And boy am I sick of that. But then, so many people are so quick to judge too, and quicker to just write you off. Box you up into whatever category they're comfortable with because you weren't what they expected. I'm sick of that, too.

So. Here's a little tip: I pretty much know who I am. Some things, I'm definitely going to have to change, and that's my problem, not yours. I am who I am. I also know who I'm not, and I am definitely not you. You don't like it? Tough. Get over it. Move on. Better yet, move away. Very far away.

*****

That is not the purpose of this post. (Yes, I get easily sidetracked. Sue me.) I am here to say goodbye. I never really noticed, but I started this blog right before coming to Japan. Now I am back home, and since I consider that part of my life (geographically, at the very least) over, I feel it appropriate to close this chapter, too, and start over in a new place. Taking only those that I want with me; leaving behind those I don't, and those I cannot have.

I was thinking to close this blog with a bang. Here are some of my ideas as to how, and why I didn't:

1. Four really beautiful stories. Why not? They weren't mine to tell, and I realized they weren't for public consumption. I realized they had to be deserved.
   
2. A love letter. This one I wrote, but that, too, wasn't mine to give anymore, the instant I gave it to the other.
3. A couple of poems. But those poems had nothing to do with my leaving Japan or this blog. Besides, all of them were written after I left (except one).

Instead, I decided to complete the circle. I'm going to answer that question I had at the very beginning.

*****

This may seem awfully abrupt. (What, she's saying goodbye? Now?! Haha. Ehrm.) Really, I had as much warning as you did. But as some surprises are great and some are awful, some are not surprising at all (if you know what to look for). And frankly, this blog, with its second five-month hiatus, had goodbye written all over it, precisely because--haha--nothing had been written on it. (God, sometimes I kill myself.)

We all had it coming. Perhaps, the abrupt part is caused by the lack of explanations. But I have never been one for explaining my actions, really. (At least not those that go from Point A to B in a straight line.) As a scientist I had been trained to ask why and look for reasons. During my time in Japan, I learned to say "Why the hell not?" and jump into the river simply because it was there. And that's what I did. And that's what I wrote about.

As a matter of fact, this blog has so perfectly echoed my life in Japan, it is like that topmost sheet of paper on a notepad: Smudge a crayon over its surface and you'd see the indentations from the the previous sheet that's been torn off.

And you can say, that chapter of my life is finished; it's been torn off. And perhaps, by reflecting on it, by smudging some crayon over the marks, I might not have been able to find all the right reasons, all the right answers. But I sure made enough good memories to be satisfied.

And discovered some truly beautiful things to invite with me on a new page.

*****

Yes. If it meant anything at all, yes. Yes, it is.